As I ride through the town square, looking down on all the little people, I smile. Upon my glorious steed, Smug Victory, I make may way to the dais, dismount, and speak:
People, let peace descend upon this troubled land. For too long (or at least two weeks) have we fallen on one another like wild beasts with our words. We have torn down all beauty, and each other, leaving the literary landscape of these parts blasted and maimed. Now that I have risen to triumph as your ruler, it is time for us to breathe in a deep breath of healing, and for reconciliation to begin.
Hence do I declare:
1) For the duration of the next contest, all on this website must address me as God-Emperor, or His Magnificent Pants, and with the respect inherent. Further, discontent and cruelty will not be allowed. You must speak one to the other with words of sweetest honey. Provide only encouragement and kindness in your words and sheathe your daggered tongues.
2) The contest shall begin upon the posting of this proclamation, and shall end at the stroke of midnight on my natal day, October the 18th. You may post once, twice, or even a thousand times (all numbers between two and a thousand are also permissible).
3) The winner of the contest will be the man or woman or androgyne or machine-entity that composes the finest exaltation of my own excellence. This may be in poetry, prose, song, sculpture, or any other form of artistic expression. The contest is to commemorate my time as God-Emperor
4) Any commenter who shall break the rules and speak a direct insult to my personage, or to any of my subjects here, shall be disqualified from the contest, and subject to a penalty task upon which all of their future honour rests.
5) I shall judge this contest, but I shall not do so alone. As the time draws closer, I shall be electing a Pair of Lickspittles. These two most esteemed grovelers shall be chosen based on their efficacy at ingratiating themselves to their fellows, and to my Esteemed Presence.
6) To assist in this selection, I will be posting a daily assessment of each participating scribes' Lickspittle Points. This will allow one and all to see which subjects are most deserving.
7) Lickspittle Day will be October 15th. At noon on that day I will select my Lickspittles. In the event of a tie, there shall be a Sudden Death round, rules to be announced at that time.
8) Lickspittles will be given a vote with power equal to that of the God Emperor in deciding the winner of the larger contest.
9) The winner of the overall contest shall win:
a)the right to either a Glorious People's Revolution, and thereby install an entirely new form of government and rules or may challenge me to a literary duel for the position of God-Emperor of textFIGHT, the victor to be decided by popular acclaim.
b)a physical object of immense power and glory (TBD)
c)stewardship of the contest until the end of November, and with it the NaNoWriMo, after which, we hope will begin a regime of guest celebrity-esque judges. (No fooling)
10) Let the festival of words commence!
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15 comments:
Thank you, Gordon. Thank you for making this happen.
G-
A brilliant contest, which could only have been dreamed up by the most clever God-Emperor. His Magnificent Pants-ship is glorious, is he not?
He is not glorious, for such a word does not hold within it the wonderment that is the God-Emperor. But I do applaud your attempt and love for our leader.
Our fearless and peerless leader, you mean?
well said.
It is truly a glorious victory, for it means that I will be able to concentrate properly on my school, and not on such contests. Glory to the god emperor for knowing what needed to be done so well.
Ummmmm... ummmmm... ummmmmmm... this is going to be... ummmmmmmm... uhhhhhhhh... erg... I... love... the... God-Emporer. And these tears I'm crying... are... love tears...
-Gordon
Ok I have a question for his awesome magnificence.
If he is the God-Emperor, what does he put in the other pant leg?
Snossages? Crushed Dreams? An extra thesaurus? Frozen hotdogs?
Inquiring minds need to know the truth!
For I have googled for a picture of his God-Emperorness and found only pictures of this large worm thing. Surly this is an abomination and will be smited from up on high using his stealthy stalking ability of the quiet hum of hover-pants!
ok...that was pretty aimless.
JF the Fish-Speaker.
Please excuse my sorry attempt! For I was stunned and shamed that I had not noticed the awesome presence of The God-Emperor (all hail his pants that we are not worthy to press). For lo I have known him for many years that he has walked among our small and petty needs, and sought to raise us up to his level! Let us all gather and worship His Magnificent Pants, for he has transcended mankind and become the position itself, in a mighty duality of perfection!
I eagerly await his date of celebration to shower him with gifts and the head's of his pantless enemies!
JF.
O Your Magnificent Pants-ship, beatific God-Emperor, please accept this humble supplication from your lowly and undeserving subjects: We have, in anticipation of your wishes, had JF soundly flogged. The retraction should now be in the comments.
We are not worthy.
Yo, your Almighty Pantsness:
Where do we post entries?
All Hail the God-Emperor of Hoverpants, His Magnificence in Madras, etc. etc. etc.
Provide me with an email addy, and I can provide you posting access to the blog, or you can send your entry to textfight@gmail.com, and I shall post it.
Do so.
I am gladdened in my heart muscle that so many of you have been enlightened into love and peace by the God-Emporer. I entreet you to create art in all forms to celebrate His majesty! Come rejoice with me!
-Gordon, Prophet of the God-Emporer
...I got nothin'.
... not even pants
G-
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